More Twilight

Funny comment on a scathing review of Twilight that I really enjoyed reading.

"What's halfway between Baltimore and Philadelphia?"

Hell.

And here are some highlights from the review by Dustin Rowles titled Where the Hell is Buffy When You Need Her?

It’s a vampire movie written by a romance novelist, which means that all the vampire lore is thrown out of the casket and replaced with cloying sentimentality and insipid gushiness delivered breathlessly by twats. “Oh, Edward! I’d rather die than stay away from you!” Oh, do, please.

Enter Edward Cullen, a pasty bedhead with black eyes and thin crimson lips — part Edward Scissorhands, part Derek Zoolander, and part android. He’s one of the mysterious Cullen clan, who keep to themselves mostly, on account of them being centuries’ old vampires. Their father, Carlisle (Peter Facinelli), is the town doctor, a vampire humanitarian who only turns humans immortal if they’re on their deathbed. The only people who seem to have any knowledge of their vampirism are the Native Americans on a nearby reservation. They know because they’re descended from wolves, see. Also, because it’s the stupidest thing Stephenie Meyer could imagine.

With Edward and Bella, it’s love at first sight. She sees him and her heart leaps. He sees her and he gags violently and leaves school for a week. It turns out, Edward — whose family calls themselves vegetarians because they only drink the blood of animals — has a monster blood erection for Bella. He wants to drink her red Kool Aid. Or fuck her. It’s all very confusing for him emotionally. Over a few dinners, a few life-saving moments, and a lot of stalking, Edward and Bella grow fonder of one another. They love each other unconditionally. Or whatever. Bella eventually discovers Edward’s secret, and he opens up about it. He takes her to the top of a mountain, stands in the sun, and reveals his true self. It turns out, the sun doesn’t burn this strain of vampire; it turns them into Ziggy motherfucking Stardust. Their skin is made of glitter! Oh, bother.

The catch in their complicated relationship is that 1) Edward never ages; 2) he’s kind of a dick; and 3) she’s co-dependent and fairly insufferable. Oh, and also, Edward and his entire family have to struggle mightily to keep themselves from sucking the life out of Bella. This is especially difficult for Edward — making out arouses his bloodlust and sexy-time is all but impossible; it’d be like only having one Lay’s potato chip. You can’t eat just one.

It’s a vampire movie made for the Lifetime network. It’s cheesy, ham-fisted, and dumb, a complete mockery of the vampire genre, a mockery that Catherine Hardwicke, (Thirteen), to her credit, stays completely true to the spirit of. It’s a terrible movie, but it’s not one you want to be caught sitting in front of — you’ll never be able to bring yourself to leave and, when it’s over, you’ll hate yourself for developing a curiosity for characters and a story and an empty, boneheaded mythology that doesn’t warrant your interest.

One of the main things that bothers me about the badly-written book is that the characters are flat. There's no arc, no one changes, and they are one-dimensional. The werewolves were more interesting characters than the vampires. And what's the appeal of a cold, controlling vampire stalker? That's scary!

I have to talk and write about this, so I can be coherent when I talk about it with my granddaughter and daughter about it.